So...experiment #5 was been very eye opening for me. It has really made me think about my previous partners. And I feel a strange compulsion to write about them. So, here we go!

#1 - R. My first broken boi. R was so shattered and adrift after his exotic S left him. I pined over him for at least two years. He consumed my thoughts, I was utterly fixated on him. At 18, he was my first kiss. At 20, he was my first in the sack. Not really too stellar at either. But I was so enamored, I didn't care. He was so perfect. Sweet, broken R. I was too afraid to make any type of move on my own, and he never really was too into me. I only slept with him twice. I think, looking back, I was just as in love with the suffering of trying to love him as I was with HIM. I like feeling wounded. And trying so hard to be his balm, salve his wounds. Comfort him, make everything all better. So begins a pattern. Incredibly smart. No sex under the influence, but lots of pining as I was drunk.

#2 - B. R's best friend. Heh. I didn't really like B all that much. BUT! He broke up with his girlfriend of three years, and needed comforting. Well, I can do THAT. I think I slept with him three times. It was better than with R, but B was cocky. He really felt he was a gifted lover. Maybe he was, but I don't remember much of being with him. Not really my cup of tea. But I felt like I needed to do this, to start to move away from R. Super smart. Alcohol involved in a make-out session once, but all sex was sober.

#3 - E. Wondrous, adventurous bedroom romps with E. In the beginning. Sex sex sex, all the time. My god, the amount of fucking we did. Sheesh. A very good fit for me, in most ways. Very physically compatible. After 6 years or so, though...well, there is a divorce in the works here. It wasn't the sex that killed it, but when the relationship was in the death throes, the sex was non-existent. Smart, and artistic. Lured him to my bed with alcohol. heh. A good mixture of sober and drunken sex over the years.

#4 - T. One time shot. Was nice, because he was confident. I liked that about him immediately. I think, given the opportunity, that could have developed into something really fun. But, he is emotionally unavailable, and there is some geography involved. So, once was it. Very interested in him. He is a fucking genius, and his intelligence was a MASSIVE turn on. Completely sober.

#5 - M. Twice. Third attempt, I killed it. First time was drunk. Seemed to be OK. No affection or connection to him. Brutally honest about that with him. Nice enough guy. Second time was fairly miserable. Started to feel like an 'obligation'. Was going to be done with it after that, but thought I should give it one more shot. First time, I was very playful and outgoing. (Thanks to the rum.) Second time, I was fairly quiet and 'go with the flow'. So, I thought maybe if I put some more effort into it...Yeah, not so much. There just wasn't anything about #5 that floats my boat. So, decided not to waste my time trying to get him off if I wasn't into it. Not a smart guy.

Then we have my dear Delicious. He is kind of 3.5...so much more satisfying than them all. And we never had sex. He knew exactly how to tease me, how to get me boiling, how to touch me...everything about him turned me on. Turns me on. heh.

Tags: sex
Current Location: The Cottage
Current Mood: nostalgic

Like, add #5 to the list. *sighs* P is a friend of E's. Nice enough guy. Fairly smart, witty, similar interests. But so not the caliber of person I want to associate with. And it wasn't all that, either. Really, although I never did get a chance to add Delicious to the list, he has ruined me. 4 and 5 were fun, but did not get me as Delicious does. He understands the sensations to drive me to the edge. I'm sure #5 can be taught. But, to be brutally honest, he is not worth the effort. My biggest hope from all of this is that I do not contract STD #1 from #5. heh.

In addition to adding #5 to the list, I had other accomplishments yesterday. *laughs* I finished insulating The Cottage. Next is to get the windows in, put in some additional wiring, then on to drywall. And after that is all done, we are on to the really FUN stuff. Like painting, putting up the kitchen area...picking out fixtures. FUN! I could make this little place be so freaking cool. If I'm here that long, that is. We'll just see...

Current Location: The Cottage
Current Mood: sheepish
Current Music: Feist

I got my car fixed. Yes, ALL the way fixed! Tonight, when I turned my headlights on, I got dashlights, running lights, and full interior lights. So, I could see all the dials for the heater! *laughs* Just in time. Monday I will go in and get that fix-it ticket taken care of!

I have WILD plans. I am thinking that I will move to Pittsburgh in the spring, to live near M. I have looked at the availability of apartments and jobs, and they seem to both be readily available. Right now I have this fantasy of moving to Pittsburgh, living in a nifty renovated, cozy apartment in an old Victorian house near downtown. Working in downtown, and riding my bike or the bus to work each day. No hassle of auto ownership. M would swing by my house on his way home from work...a bit of play, and then he goes on to his family at home. That is, until I get a chance to seduce B, his wife! Then the three of us can play.

It is craziness, I know! But it would be a fun experiment for a year or so.

Delicious is having fun with a new live, streaming webcam. He sent me the link yesterday, and it was almost painful to see him, to see his expressions, to watch him...I was doing a good job of distancing myself, and then it all came flooding back. I don't think it is a good idea for me to watch that stupid thing. All I wanted to do was jump him. *laughs*

I have been working on the project of ripping all of my cd's to mp3. I want to back up my collection, in case cd's get scratched, broken, or lost. Next project is to scan hundreds of photos. Before I can do that, though, I need to get another hard drive. I need to back up all of this stuff. I would be one sad chicky if this HD crashed!

Also, I have started playing with Linux. I need to make the switch. Maybe what I should do is get another HD, and set that up in an entire other computer...and run Linux on that machine. Gack. MUST LEARN LINUX!!!

So, I am horrible about taking care of my teeth. Like, seriously, horrible. Today was the first time I've brushed my teeth in 2008. >< That is frightening. I am an adult. And yet I cannot manage to take care of my mouth. Horrible.

So, today, I went to the store, and I bought one of those vibrating tooth brushes. I have never had one of these before. It is green. I like that about it. It is an Oral-B -- A name you can trust. I can get these 'whitening' tips for it. But I thought I better start soft and simple, since my gums are about to experience some serious trauma. I also got some of those minty floss stick things. And Crest Pro Health Mouth Rinse. And Crest Baking Soda and Peroxide Whitening Tooth Paste.

I ALMOST brought them into work with me, because I was SOOO excited about trying them all out. But I thought, "Well, if my gums decide to up and die on me, I don't really want to be bleeding all over." So, I decided against that. But the first thing I did once I got home was to try it all out. And my mouth feels great! Didn't really bleed that much, either. w00t! The special spin-y toothbrush is freaking cool. And the mouth rinse doesn't make me want to cry. So that is cool, too.

Started studying for the CCENT/CCNA today. I also found out from my boss that they will reimburse me for the CCENT. But I have to double check on that, because I think he was confused. He kept talking about how he has his CNA, but that is Novell...not Cisco. Anyway, the man is kinda clueless about it all. So I need to double check my stuff. Either way, I'm doing it, because I want the CCNA.

Delicious and Canada are kinda sick. She calls him all the time, and with very emotional things. She thought she had cancer, and so she calls him. Then she almost got mugged, and she called him all freaking out. Then something else, I don't know what, oh, yeah, she found out she doesn't have cancer, and she called him all crying. Fuck. You just can't compete with the emotional girl. Plus, she's making him a cape to wear to Ren Fest. It's over. *laughs* But she does seem like a pretty cool chic.

Unpacked the coffee pot tonight, ran some water through it, and made tea! This is the first tea in The Cottage. Decided to go with the rooibus. Love that stuff!

Tonight L was not at work. She got a promotion, and she is working days now. It was SOOO sad without her. I was kind grumpy. I miss L a lot! It's just not the same without her.

Tags: ccent, ccna, rooibus
Current Location: The Cottage
Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Charlotte Martin

Took my net+ exam on Monday, and passed! I am really, REALLY excited about that. So, to reward myself, I went on a shopping spree at Barnes and Noble. =) I got the CCNA Official Exam prep library, 2008 Linux Bible, 'Mistress of the Vatican', and 'In the Company of the Courtesan'. Really want to start reading the last two, but I haven't finished 'Helen' yet! I need to do that. So I started reading it again yesterday. It's not that I'm not enjoying it...I'm just getting sucked into my computer. *laughs*

Delicious met Canada on Sunday. And they hit it off. So, now finding my new place in his life. The old relationship is off bounds now. But I do want to keep him as a friend. So, I'll just have to feel my way along.

C is...not gonna happen. Apparently he moved in with some other woman who used to work with us. And then while he was gone, she broke up with him, but his stuff was all at her house. Anyway, it's crazy, and I don't need to get caught up in that. I'm not going to try to keep in touch with him.

E had her PET scan today. She meets with her oncologist on Thursday, and we'll find out what the results are.

I put the insulation in half of the ceiling today. OMG, I am going to be so sore tomorrow! But it is toasty in The Cottage for the first time at night. Finally got an electric heater that works. I love my little space so much.

Current Location: The Cottage
Current Mood: worn out
Current Music: Shivaree

P!nk - one of my guilty pleasures.

From '18 Wheeler'

Hey, hey, girl! Are you ready for today?
You got your shield and sword?
Cuz its time to play the games
You are beautiful
Even though your not for sure
Don't let him pull you by the scar
You're gonna get your feelings hurt

You can push me out the window
I'll just get back up
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
And I won't give a fuck
You can hang me like a slave
I'll go underground
You can run over me with your 18 wheeler but
You can't keep me down, down, down, down

A little bit of heart ache, too. My dear, sweet Delicious is slipping away from me. It's inevitable and bound to happen with the extreme geography we are facing. My beautiful, broken Delicious is feeling a tug towards another. I can't blame him at all. And at least Canada seems like good people. I think I would be offended if some dumb bitch managed to catch his attention. But he is smarter than that. *laughs* Today, the revelation came to a head, and really did cry about it. There is a loss there...the loss of the 'What If' games, the loss of opportunity, the loss of a nakedness that has nothing to do with skin. The wall was already building...it started the minute Canada entered the picture, really. I started to add the 'emotional insulation'. In a way, the whole thing is poisoned now. I know that relationships are never static, there is a constant flux. Nor is this change unexpected or surprising. But it does not lessen the blow really.

I think about this all, and how foolish and childish it was from the very beginning. And how I didn't care then and don't care now. Because it was enlivening to throw away the caution and just experience it. And I will do the same now. I will allow myself to mourn all of the things that we never were and never will be. (That sounds do overly dramatic!) And I will let myself wallow in that feeling for a while, to really drink it in. So that I can stand up, brush myself off, and get over it.

I am very happy to say that I believe we will remain friends. That makes me completely glad. Delicious is the type of person I want to have as a friend.

There is so much more to update, but I think this will do for now...

Current Location: The Cottage
Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: Fiona Apple - I Know

Ok. So I feel completely cheated now. I was playing this lovely Ingrid Michaelson song on repeat today. "Die Alone". It's a great song. But not as great as I thought it was. =( I THOUGHT the chorus was


I never thought I could love anyone but myself.
Now I know I can love anyone but you.


I dig that a bunch. Mildly bitter, but hopeful of love for the future. Almost perfectly fitting with my mindset right now.

And then I decided to post the lyrics here, so I googled them in their entirety. How disappointing to discover the different two little letters can make in a song.

Ingrid Michaelson is the woman of the day!

I woke up this morning with a funny taste in my head.
Spackled some butter over my whole grain bread.
Something tastes different, maybe it's my tongue.
Something tastes different, suddenly I'm not so young.

I'm just a stranger, even to myself.
A re-arranger of the proverbial bookshelf.
Don't be a fool girl, tell him you love him.
Don't be a fool girl, you're not above him.

I never thought I could love anyone but myself.
Now I know I can't love anyone but you.
You make me think that maybe I won't die alone.
Maybe I won't die alone.

Kiss the boys as they walk by, call me their baby.
But little do they know, I'm just a maybe.
Maybe my baby will be the one to leave me sore.
Maybe my baby will settle the score.

I never thought I could love anyone but myself.
Now I know I can't love anyone but you.
You make me think that maybe I won't die alone.
Maybe I won't die alone.

What have I become?
Something soft and really quite dumb.
Because I've fallen, oh, 'cuz I've fall-fallen, oh 'cuz I've fall-fall-fallen
So far away from the place where I started from.

I never thought I could love anyone.
I never thought I could love anyone.
I never thought I could love anyone,
But you, but you, but you, but you, but you
But you make me think that maybe I won't die alone.
Maybe I won't die alone.

Ok. so that COMPLETELY changes the meaning of the song. This isn't some hopeful, i-left-you-but-will-love-again-cause-I'm-not-really-broken song. This is just a plain I-realize-I'm-in-love-with-you song. Still a good one, but not nearly as fitting for my mood.

But, in true ME style, I have decided to ignore the REAL lyrics, and continue to hear the song as I would have written it. *grins*

Tags: ingrid michaelson bitter
Current Location: The Cottage
Current Mood: disappointed

"I Know"

So be it, I'm your crowbar
If thats what I am so far
Until you get out of this mess
And I will pretend
That I dont know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
But all the time, all the time
I'll know, I'll know
And you can use my skin
To bury your secrets in
And I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion,
I will ask no questions
While I do my thing in the background
But all the time, all the time
i'll know, I'll know
Baby-I can't help you out, while she's still around
So for the time being, I'm being patient
And amidst this bitterness
If you'll consider this-even if it dont make sense
All the time-give it time
And when the crowd becomes your burden
And you've early closed your curtains,
I'll wait by the backstage door
While you try to find the lines to speak your mind
And pry it open, hoping for an encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
It's ok, dont need to say it

Current Location: The Cottage
Current Mood: pensive
Current Music: Fiona Apple

The Old Astronomer to His Pupil

Reach me down my Tycho Brahe, I would know him when we meet,
When I share my later science, sitting humbly at his feet;
He may know the law of all things, yet be ignorant of how
We are working to completion, working on from then to now.

Pray remember that I leave you all my theory complete,
Lacking only certain data for your adding, as is meet,
And remember men will scorn it, 'tis original and true,
And the obloquy of newness may fall bitterly on you.

But, my pupil, as my pupil you have learned the worth of scorn,
You have laughed with me at pity, we have joyed to be forlorn,
What for us are all distractions of men's fellowship and smiles;
What for us the Goddess Pleasure with her meretricious smiles!

You may tell that German College that their honor comes too late,
But they must not waste repentance on the grizzly savant's fate.
Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light;
I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.

Sarah Williams



(from _Best Loved Poems of the American People_, Hazel Felleman, ed.
Garden City Publishing Co., Garden City NY: 1936, pp. 613-614)


I saw this quote somewhere once, and I just love it. I am seriously thinking of having it tattooed on my body.

"I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night."

To me, it speaks of loving the little things in life, appreciating the joyous details, and not letting the 'big picture' get you down.

Tags: quote
Current Location: The Cottage
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Tori Amos